Pre-parenting Worries

[rodaniel]

My wife & I are a month away from the final steps of adopting a little 20-month old boy. This will be our first child, so my head is spinning with everything that still needs to be done to prepare - and everything that we'll have no idea we needed to be prepared for until it happens.

A bunch of our extremely well-meaning and caring friends at work are hosting a big baby shower for us in a couple of weeks and seem intent on literally showering us with stuff for our new little guy. Now, I'm not complaining nor do I want to chance saying anything that might offend these folks who're only trying to be helpful - we're truly blessed to have so many awesome friends who want to show their love & support for our family. But still, I'm starting to stress over this - for 2 reasons...

1. The mass of stuff that's about to start piling in on us!
2. The mountain of money that's going to be wasted on tons of toys that really aren't needed.

Sure, actual space something of an issue - our house is a very modest-sized affair and I'm struggling to figure out where we'll put all of the truly necessary stuff much less a truckload of surplus toys.

But even beyond that, I'm of the "less is more" school of thought. So I worry that we just simply don't need all of this stuff. After all, our son is coming from an orphanage environment where he had nearly nothing and a few things had to stretch a long ways.

Everyone seems so intent on kids having so much stuff, but I remember having a very small box of toys when I was a child and it didn't seem like a hardship or that I was being cruelly deprived. In fact, I kinda think that it is because I had a limited number of toys that some of those are still very memorable for me even today.

And I'm especially turned off by all of the electronic wizbangery that everyone seems so enamoured with. By my way of thinking, our little guy doesn't need interactive toys nearly so much as he needs interactive parents.

We've tried to guide our friends towards more practical stuff like car seats, crib sheet sets, bathtime supplies and such. But I still worry about the mounds of toys that we're bound to receive that aren't listed on the shower registries.

Again, I'm very aware just how lucky we are to have so many loving friends that this is even something to worry about. So am I justified in being concerned or am I freaking out over nothing?

Rob

[Julie Rains]

I think you have valid concerns though I don't know if there is much you can do/should do to stop the deluge of things. I didn't get tons of shower gifts but got inundated with stuff from my sisters. My oldest sister lent me her crib but I felt uncomfortable putting it up b/c they had to take it apart to bring it to my house, and there were no instructions on assembly and a few screws missing. Now, the baby it was intended for is almost 14 and 5'7" and I still have the crib; my sister doesn't have space to receive it back so I am to return it when she has a grandchild. It's in a back closet now. I'll bet you are feeling better right about now.

You could try returning some toys, donating them -- perhaps to an agency that cares for children, or using them as gifts for all those birthday parties your child will be attending soon.

[Tennessee Riddle]

Ask for a food shower. Your friends could give you frozen meals, homemade or otherwise. Gift cards could be an option. The thing you will want most once your son arrives is time. Food is celabratory, meaningful, practical.

[rodaniel]

Good ideas! Thanks! I especially like the "food shower" concept since we'll be jetlagged and worn out once we get home. Definitely going to pass that on to the shower arrangers!

[Tennessee Riddle]

Had to post again. I went to a really cool baby shower where everyone gave their favorite kid's book. This kind of shower is especially good for someone who already has basic baby equipment. (Or little boys arriving from Russia. Congratulations!!)

[Will]

am I freaking out over nothing?

Your story is really compelling and I think the outpouring of gifts is just your friends' way of showing support. What you are doing is an extraordinary thing. You are committing your family to loving and caring for a total stranger for the rest of your lives. That is the kind of story that really touches people.

Unfortunately, our society today equates expensive gifts with support. Maybe instead of gifts, you can ask for "coupons." People can give you things like:

• I promise to babysit him at least twice a year.
• I promise to make him my famous oatmeal cookies every Christmas.
• I promise to take him to the zoo for his fifth birthday.
• I promise to teach him how to play the guitar.
• I promise to take him on a tour of my old college.
• I promise to lend him my Firefly DVDs.

If they insist on giving something of monetary value, perhaps they can contribute a small amount ($10-25) to his future college fund. This way they will actually be spending less money and it will give your boy's college fund a head start.

[rodaniel]

Originally Posted by Will

Unfortunately, our society today equates expensive gifts with support.

I totally agree - our materialistic society has planted the notion in many peoples' heads that to show someone love and/or support, you should give them an expensive or showy gift. Christmas is a perfect example of how folks fall into this trap. And it's hard to fault them since they're only doing what seems to be the societal norm and undoubtedly, their hearts are in the right place!

And again, I haven't for a second forgotten just how blessed we are to have so many friends who are eager to shower us with gifts. Even if the gifts themselves are things I think we don't need (or maybe even want), certainly the sentiment behind them is truly something to cherish.

I really like the idea of the coupons, Will. I'd really like to find a way to incorporate those on our "wish list." We actually did get a couple of incredibly generous offers today from 2 of our closest friends that are along similar lines...

One of our pals offered - well, insisted - that she meet us at the airport when we come back home (at nearly midnight!) to meet her new "nephew" and help with luggage. The other offered to stay with us the first night or two so we could recoup from some of the jetlag while she helps tend to our new little guy. Both of those "gifts" took us by surprise, are overwhlemingly generous, and were accepted gladly!

Rob

[farley2k]

Heck as fast as kids grow you will have a ton of unneeded stuff after a few months anyway! Don't sweat it too much but don't hesitate to pack up stuff which isn't used anymore (or yet) and store it.

[Joanne]

Firts of all...congratulations! I adopted three children in 2003. At the time they were 5, 8 and 11 years old.

You're lucky to have such wonderful support and such caring friends and family. You must feel so blessed for that.

When we had our adoption celebration, we asked for gift cards so we could buy what we needed. It worked out well for us.

Another thing you can do is donate any unwanted gifts that you get to a local foster care agency. Or save the bluk of the toys and hand them out gradually to your child instead of all at once.

I run a private forum for adoptive and waiting parents if you (or anyone else here) is interested in connecting with others who have been (and are currently) in your place. Here's the main page with all the information.

Forever Parents: For Adoptive and Waiting Parents

[flibberty jibbit]

I have friends who adopted abroad as well. When the invitations went out each included a "future size" for gift giving. While some of the items didn't fit in the correct season, most did and for about 3 years they only ever had to buy t-shirts and underpants. I thought that was a pretty cool idea. If they included a toy, it was also for whatever would be appropriate for that same age group.