Dissecting "Gift Guilt" - When Does Receiving a Gift Make You Feel Bad?

I was always taught to accept a gift graciously, but I wasn't ever taught that one had to be given in return. Giving something with the expectation of getting something back is extremely rude, in my book. How do you know the other person's situation? They might not like you, they might not have enough money, or it might not be convenient in other ways for them to return the gift.

If you move in circles where you MUST get the gifter something, try not getting anything a few times. I bet people will soon stop buying you stuff, if they expect something back.

The problem (or maybe the benefit) of the big gift from relatives is that it's not expected to be reciprocated in kind. What that means in practice, though, is that it takes a lot of thought to give back something that doesn't seem inappropriate. If you have access to a family archive of photos (much easier in these days of scanners), you can have a nice picture of a common relative (grandmother, greatgrandmother, whatever) printed in 5x7 and put it in a pretty frame--if you're careful, you can get one for less than $10 that looks great. It's a thoughtful gift that acknowledges your closeness without trying to out-price anyone.

More difficult with family friends, but if you have an older photo, particularly of your families together back in the day, this is a nice option.

Actually, I like them, kinda. I would much rather give than receive because receiving then becomes awkward, especially if I didn't have a gift for the gift giver (on days other than my birthday). I try to tell people not to buy me things but they don't listen! I also always try to communicate that I bought a gift because I wanted to or I thought it would be the absolute perfect thing for the recipient and they might not buy it - not because I want a gift in return - so no one feels guilty. But me, must be the lapsed Catholic, I become a mess. The stress of getting a gift from someone unexpected is way more than the joy of getting the gift - and that's for good gifts.

It's worse when it's a token, 'I thought I should buy you something so here's a GPS that you don't need.' My parents just did that for my birthday on the advice of my husband, who I have since yelled at. Apparently my dad bought the device because he thought his was lost and then he found his and was going to return it and MY HUSBAND (idiot) said, give it to your daughter for her birthday. And my parents did. We have a GPS, it's my husband's, but I generally don't go anywhere unfamiliar without him and I definitely don't do it when he's also going somewhere unfamiliar, so we can share. And, I pretty much hate them, I like them when I'm lost but I hate them when they give me the wrong directions and because my husband is so dependent on it he can't get anywhere without it And there are things I need/want - like a rug for the kitchen or a freezer for the basement so I can make even more red beans and soups at a time and buy TONS of beef on sale or an area made in the backyard so I can grow cool purple tomatoes or NOTHING. But, instead, I have this GPS that I hate, that I don't think I can return or sell for fear of the guilt. I might as well have a $100 bill painted into the wall for all the good it's doing anyone.

Ggrrrrrr.

I do like well thought out gifts, my friend gave me a gift card to Trader Joe's so I can buy cheap wine and an Alton Brown cookbook and a toy for the dog - but I'm still eaten up with the guilt, because I didn't get her anything, although I did buy her a nice, yay, you have a baby gift, so maybe we're even.

It's too much to keep track of.

Anyway, enough from me. Great post!! And, please, spend your money on you and don't give me gifts!!

Socio-culturally, I've grown up to believe that tasteful and appropriate gifts and its presentation etiquette are the mark of a well-bred and educated person. Well executed, and you are praised for your ingenuity and arbiter abilities. Poorly reciprocated, and you can eat a social suicide and snickered and paying with your "trashy" reputation.

Be careful with this one, because in certain circles of popular society, this could be a land mine. The nervous "guilt" associated with receiving gifts is rightly so because for some, it is a test to evaluate the premium of your social standing, your cultural depth, and who you are in relation to them. In my experience, I've used this strategic tactic to give gifts, and I myself have bombed miserably in gracious receiving. We do get better with practice.

It's rarely just about money; it's really a complex and symbolic art about fitting in. Some of the best gifts are exactly what the other person wants, hard to procure, and sophisticated things that makes the other person look good. I need not explain how to prepare for or play this game adeptly, but essentially if you suffer from guilt and must respond to the gift, you should ask the CLASSIEST friend you know for advice.

When I was young, I'd receive gifts from friends, parents' associates and relatives and my mother would go through lengths to teach me how to make the giver feel good, and tokens of reciprocation depending on our relationship, cleverness, and ensure that we were properly responsive. For a lot of people it was a crucial matter of classiness, wit, and smart reputation. As I got a bit older, I learned first hand that the penalties for not doing so could be: empty-handed embarrassment, appearing ingrateful or crude, vicious snickering about your character flaws or even alienating/insulting a potential ally. I also came to understand that grotesquely horrid gifts could an indicator of the other person's obtuse upbringing, a sign of a deteriorating relationship, or simply someone's financial strain.

For instance, in reciprocation for a large sum of travel money, I got wealthy relatives was a set of hand-carve turtles from a remote village in Zambia, which they could never have gotten themselves and symbolized longevity in our culture, and an intriguing legend. After a trip to Idaho, I presented my good-humored neighbors each with a Russet potato. To the boss's birthday, I gave various bottles of Odwalla juice for his health. To some ill-conceived present, I promptly returned it to sender. And to some who re-gifted in absolutely poor taste, we just generously ignored, sent a thank you email, and donated it.

If money is tight, it's best to conceal it with generous home-made cookies, symbolic things of appreciation, or a potted fern from the garden, an abundance of fragrant fruit, or dedicated artwork from your toddler child.

Are always so difficult to pin down appropriateness. Thank you so much for addressing this tough and touchy topic! We moved a few hours away from our homtown several years ago for many reasons, and one among them was the constant gift giving madness. I am not kidding.

Every two weeks or so, we had to go to a gift-giving dinner at my parent's or my mother-in-law's house, and you were amost excommunicated if you missed one event. We finally were able to convince most of the family that lumping a few birthdays or other gift-giving occasions into a single event would really be easier on the budget and time constraints. Call me scrooge, but with ten grandkids under the age of eight, Christmas was a nightmare of loud, plastic useless toys, with millions of tiny pieces and packaging.

Generally, the car would be stuffed to the gills on the way home, and I would select the three best gifts for each of our children from the ransom as they slept, and bring them into the house for after- Christmas Day play. The rest would either be packed (while they were asleep or already being entertained with their new toys the next day) in boxes and stored until a boring day in Febrary when I needed to make a zillion phone calls, or immediately packed into the Goodwill bag. SOMEone's kid would appreciate it, I reasoned. Very rarely, they would ask about something we had stored, and we'd "find" it for them.

When we moved, we sent a list of requested educational magazine subscriptions, and have since tended to only visit during nongift holidays (New Year's or St. Patrick's for instance), since it is impossible for most of our relatives to stop shopping, no matter what their financial situation is.

It is sad to say that their gift-giving tendencies helped drive us away, but we constantly told them it was only their PRESENCE, not their presents that we wished for, and we had a teeny house with almost no storage space. We really could not afford these events, either. Some people just don't get it.

We left after the Christmas that my sister-in-law insisted we all pitch in for a leaf blower for my Father-in-law. Not only did the gift go against our principles (how about a nice rake instead and we all come and help?) but she made us feel that if we refused, we were utterly cheap and not team players. Ugh.

These days, we also either give magazine subscriptions (after clearing it with the recipient) or give locally produced food baskets, wine or chocolate. Always appreciated, simple and surprisingly affordable and classy.

Appropriate gifts are marks of good graces, personal tastes, and attention to the recipient. It should be given with no-strings-attached, but increasingly it is also used as a business transaction to curry favors. In lean years, I tended to give more organic gifts from the garden and orchard: fruits, bouquets, flower arrangements. Nowadays I make personalized sets of things and hand-deliver them.

While we all try our best within accordance to our means and ability, and I'm sure we would all like to be good standing members of our community and families, some people's financial situation are simply bound to make them indebted (whether they feel it or not) and others will let people down. Others simply don't have the capacity to not seem vulgar and to cheapen the symbolic gift-giving. It isn't about the price tag, it's classically about the presence and the emotional value of the gift.

It isn't easy, buddy if it were, then we wouldn't notice gift-giving guilt. We worry because we're afraid we might insult another person we care about.

I suppose I myself would rather receive NO gifts than crummy gifts---but why not aim for good gifts... or excellent gifts...or marvelously personalized gifts? I'll concede that it particularly matters to me. I have always been more artisan-inclined, travel a lot, and I try to see it through that the presents honor that recipient, but then again, there are many people who are better than me in other skills such as writing that perfect letter, or being more witty and gregarious at the table.

If I stumble across the perfect gift for someone, but we don't normally exchange gifts, how can I give it to them without putting them in that all too familar guilt situation?

"The worst kind of gift guilt I get is when friends in debt give something to me. I do appreciate the gesture, but I feel bad about it..."

That paragraph is exactly how I feel everytime I receive gifts from them. Some people loves you so much and they're buying expansive gifts even though we don't even ask nothing! I feel really sad and I would get them all the money they paid for the gift so they can put that money back into their CC.
But that would be silly. So I can't.
They do give those gifts because they want to, even though they can't afford too.
Still, I feel bad.

I have just received two of the most extravagant gifts I've ever been given, and it has given me the worst kind of unsettling gift guilt. I really LOVE my gifts -- a designer hand bag and a designer watch. They were graduation gifts, because I just graduated from dental school, so in a way I feel that I deserve the gifts for my accomplishment. Also they are professional looking so that they are perfect for me to start my new life as an income-earning professional rather than a starving student. But, my practical and self-depricating side thinks they are too expensive for me!

One gift came from my husband, and he gave it to me in front of my mother-in-law, and I felt a huge flush of guilt that I was receiving something so expensive from the person that has been supporting me for years, and I thought what does his Mom think of me accepting something so expensive from her son. My face turned red. And I actually said out loud that I felt guilty. Aggh. Which I know wasn't gracious, so then I felt even more guilty. Aggh. But for the rest of the evening I was beaming over the watch, so I hope that made up for it!

I'll have to give my husband an amazing gift in the future. Do kids count as gifts?

or when your husband buys you a bottle of perfume you saw in the store and wanted and then on the way home says "I hope I have money for the bills now" yeah, nice!!!

I am also like that especially with my grandma,I feel so bad when I ask her to get me something and she gets me it.I feel happy at first but later I just feel sad and I feel like she shouldnt have given it to me.Happy that some other people have the same issue