The State of American Money, April 1, 2013

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As Wise Bread's Senior Editor, I have the opportunity to read several IMPORTANT FINANCIAL FACTS. How do I know that they're important? Because they're written in all caps. DUH.

Here are the top five totally important, totally real financial facts I've learned in a variety of categories. (See also: New Legislation Gives Coupons "Equivalent Cash Value")

Savings

1. 100% of people who have saved no money HAVE NO SAVINGS.
    
2. The retirement savings plan for 15% of Americans is an unsubmitted application to "Wheel of Fortune."
    
3. 87% of bank tellers do not believe customers who say "Sure, I have money at this bank. But it accidentally got deposited under another customer's name."
    
4. It is most difficult to save for a rainy day in Seattle, where there are 150 rainy days a year.
    
5. In 2012, the winner of the Chicago's Scariest Halloween Decorations contest was the Bouchard family, who decorated under the theme "You won't have enough money to live off of when you retire."

Spending Money

1. 100% of people who spend money later discover that they HAVE LESS MONEY THAN THEY STARTED WITH.
    
2. Women spend money on clothes and shoes. Men also spend money on clothes and shoes, because we're all humans and need these things.
    
3. 100% of all online shopping happens on the Internet.
    
4. Despite popular belief that it's a frugal activity, window shopping can actually turn out to be very expensive — just the glass and installation can cost up to $500 per window.
    
5. Giving gifts can be expensive. However, giving animated gifs is totally free.

Frugal Living

1. More people than ever are reusing items instead of throwing them away! Here's a tip — take leftover baby food jars. Fill them with your otherwise useless pee. Now you have a collection of pee jars to decorate your house with or give as gifts!
    
2. Penny pinching actually does very little for most people, unless your goal was to tightly hold a round piece of copper between two of your fingers.
    
3. Clipping coupons can be a great hobby if you like saving money or carrying around little pieces of paper.
    
4. Potlucks can be a great way to share the expense of a meal while, out of politeness, being forced to eat that one weird salad made by your aunt who doesn't understand how to cook.
    
5. It totally isn't rude to regift. Just make sure that if you're regifting a pee jar, you're at least not giving someone their own pee back.

 Investment

1. Real estate can be a poor investment if you purchase one of those old Hollywood buildings that looks like a real house from the front but turns out to be two-dimensional. Don't do that.
    
2. When you're ready to invest, make sure that you're investing in the stock market and not the Stalk Market, a new grocery store that only sells celery and asparagus. That place will be out of business way soon.
    
3. For years, people have been recommending CDs as a low-risk (if also low-reward) investment vehicle. I, however, think they're being replaced by MP3s.
    
4. Consider investing in the futures of food products like corn or wheat. Primarily because you can't invest in their pasts.
    
5. 100% of unsuccessful investments have failed.

Bears

1. 100% of people who lent $5 to bears NEVER GOT THAT $5 BACK.
    
2. And, even worse — the bears didn't use the money!
    
3. The American bear unemployment rate is even higher than the American human unemployment rate.
    
4. If given a choice between the two, 95% of bears will take a live salmon over cash — even if the salmon is worth less than the money!
    
5. The wealthiest bear in America is celebrity-impersonator Beary Manilow. The second-wealthiest is mystery writer Beary Higgins Clark. The third wealthiest is the bear from Bear Sterns.

Do you have any IMPORTANT FINANCIAL FACTS to share?